Two stragglers

So first Fat Cyclist called me out, and then I called him out back, and then he missed his story deadline, and then I made my deadline for “The Rambler, Part 2,” and gave him more time and he got “Last Ride on the Kokopelli” done, and then November 30th at midnight, I missed my deadline for getting the whole book together and up for sale.

So…I can’t tell who won anything. I think we both lost—but we also both finished our stories, and I’m about to finish the book. That’s noble and honorable, right? Coming in under your own power after you miss the cutoff?

Here’s the cover:

It still needs its back cover and spine designed, a missing author blurb snagged, ISBNs registered, and some other stuff that somebody’s got to do and I’m the only one here. I tried. Sometimes N+1 is how long it’s going to take to finish a book.

Should be a couple more days or so.

We also never quite got around to agreeing on exactly what would happen if one of us lost, but now that both of us have, it seems to me it should be doubled.

So if we take [never really figured out this bet] and double it, we get…uh…well, I think we get “donate money to each other’s favorite charity.”

What say you, FC?

Acceptance

LAST AUGUST 1, I moved from an apartment in New York City where I lived with my wife and kids to a duplex in Connecticut where I live alone half the time and with my kids half the time. At that same moment, unrelated, I lost about 80% of my income.

So there’s been a lot of stuff to take care of. A lot of it, I didn’t know I’d have to take care of, but I’m the only grownup here, so care of has been taken. Or anyway, mostly taken. I now have my own floor steamer. I have an oil heater. I have a big cheery orange stock pot, a dining nook, a scratched car with a lease I shouldn’t have signed, two Freecycle window boxes of geraniums that face the wrong way on the porch because I don’t care if you can see them, hooks in the kitchen for three bike helmets and a tarp over two little bikes outside, a slow cooker, a roasting pan, a half-sanded Goodwill dresser for my bike clothes, a tiny Japanese clothes washer in my bathroom (with lint catchers and mesh laundry bags and a collection of detergents and stain removers in the cabinet above it, and we, the Snyder boys, who are a family, have a system), and a task grid called SCHOOL MORNINGS AT DAD’S hanging on a clipboard where we can all see it at breakfast. I have sleep deprivation and less hair, I have maybe 40% of my income back, and I usually have yellow flowers in Mason jars or whisky bottles by the kitchen windows.

I threw away all the salad forks. They are not missed. I gave away the microwave oven. It’s not missed either; Snyder boys cook. I got rid of all but the three bowls I thought we’d ever need at one time. That was less smart than the salad forks and the microwave.

I have regrets, deep exhaustion, a body that’s rarely ridden farther than the grocery store since the double-century 18 months ago, a roll-top desk half turned into a charging station, and not a stack, but an occasional discovery of papers from school that I haven’t read. And my floors are better than they were before I bought the steamer, but you don’t step in here and go Wow, this man’s quite the housekeeper!

My kitchen is clean when I need that symbolism more than I need to get somebody’s book designed, or when the boys show up and I want them to think I clean things all the time. It was cleaner during the first six months, when there was less paying work and more need to feel I was taking care of things.

I do take care of things. Not all the things. There sure are a lot of things.

ONE HALF-THING I took care of as I stumbled out one door and into another was I paid all the contributors to RIDE 3. I knew I was going to lose my grip on getting it edited, designed, and published, though I didn’t know for how long, and I didn’t want the weight of not paying people pressing down along with the weight of not having it done yet.

Blog entries, the good ones, are from impulse and urgency. There was one every couple of months. As real writing time came back, in tiny spans, I spent it half-assing the writing that meant the most to me, which was novel #5. It’s been a 14-year gap since novel #4. Then I’d quarter-ass my RIDE 3 story, which not only has a couple of plot things still left to solve, but is in iambic pentameter and has to rhyme.

Then the book will need designing, all the stories need typesetting, the POD has to be set up, the ebook versions have to be made, everything needs uploading, I have to figure out who to send it to for reviews and put together some sort of promo thing and blog it…

Too much.

The contributors checked in every so often. I wrote back and said I’m doing my best, but it’s going to be a while. And I was doing my best. Eighth-assed was my best.

They were nice.

Except one.

FROM ELDEN NELSON, Fatcyclist:

Click it to read the rest. It’s just mean.

Yeah, I know it’s been two days since he called me out. I’ve been busy.

SO two things:

One, I hate when people say I have nothing to apologize for instead of accepting my apology. So—Elden, you’ve got nothing to apologize for, and I accept it anyway.

Two, you’re on.

Four, RIDE 3 will be up at Amazon by December 1, in time for holiday gift-giving that doesn’t just mean “Christmas gift-giving.”

Five, it’ll have my story, The Rambler, in it–either Part 2 of a sufficient length to be clearly not a cheat (Part 1 was in RIDE 2), or the whole thing.

Six, wait til you see these stories…

Seven, okay that was nine things.

Anyone who doesn’t make his deadline has to…donate Some Amount To Be Determined to a charity of the other’s choosing, as well as write a ballad praising the other’s bike prowess and calf and/or butt definition.

IF I DARE? Oh, I dare. Because I know the secret.

Some people think art comes from inspiration.

Some people think it comes from hard work.

But you and I know. True art comes from abject terror of public shaming.

You got six days…tick tock…

June Writing Challenge

May went pretty well—except for all the people who didn’t finish. That is not the goal. It needs to be a real challenge, but it also needs to be possible. Rules have been tinkered with for June.

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THE CHALLENGE:
In June, 2015, write for at least half an hour every single day.
Go for 60 if you’re feeling tough.
Yes, that’s it.

FOUR WAYS TO WIN

“A” TEAM: Write for 60 minutes a day
“B” TEAM: Write for 30 minutes a day

24-HOUR TIME TRIAL: 60 minutes a day for 24 days
12-HOUR TIME TRIAL: 30 minutes a day for 24 days

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FAQ

WHAT COUNTS AS “WRITING?”

IF YOU WRITE AT A COMPUTER: “Writing” means you are physically present at a computer, and your word processor is the only app that’s open.

IF YOU WRITE ON A NOTEPAD OR TYPEWRITER: It’s in front of you, and so is a pen or pencil.

In writer talk: Your ass is in the chair.

• Staring at the screen counts as writing, as long as you do it for the appropriate amount of time, with a word processor (and nothing else) open.
• Going to the kitchen does not count toward writing time.
• Going to the bathroom does not count toward writing time.
• Talking on the phone does not count toward writing time.
• Looking at your phone does not count toward writing time.
• Playing games does not count toward writing time. Yes, even if it’s your PROCESS.
• RESEARCH DOES NOT COUNT. Research is not writing.
• Interruptions do not count toward writing time. That’s right, even though they weren’t your fault.

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CAN I BREAK UP THE 30 OR 60 MINUTES?

RULE CHANGE: YES. This is all on the honor system. You know if you did the amount you’re claiming.

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CAN I MAKE UP TIME IF I MISS A DAY?

RULE CHANGE: YES, LIKE THIS:

• ONCE A WEEK, you accrue one “double up” day, for making up a missed session
• YES, your double-up days roll over to the next week.
• NO, they do not roll into the the next month’s challenge

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HOW DO I SIGN UP?

You don’t sign up. You show up.

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DO I NEED TO DECLARE WHICH CHALLENGE I’M DOING UP FRONT?

NO. You know what the four ways to win are. Aim for one. I don’t need to know which. (Though you can feel free to say so, either here or on the Facebook Group.)

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WHAT DO I GET IF I WIN?

Self-respect.

Also, there may be stickers.

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WHY WOULD I BOTHER WITH THIS WHEN I CAN JUST SIT DOWN HALF AN HOUR A DAY AND WRITE BY MYSELF?

No clue. That’s your business.

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WHAT DO I NEED TO PROVIDE AS PROOF?

Nothing. To quote the guy I ripped this off from: As is true for all worthwhile things, this is on the honor system.

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YOU RIPPED THIS OFF? WHO’D YOU RIP IT OFF FROM?

Iron Rider, a fellow randonneur (look it up), proposed a 30-day cycling challenge in March: The “A” Team was challenged to ride 60 minutes/day, the “B” Team would ride 30, etc. It didn’t matter how fast, how much elevation gain, whether it was an official event or a grocery run, or even whether the bike had wheels. (Indoor exercise bikes were allowed.) The only thing that mattered was that your ass was in the saddle and your legs were pedaling.

I demurred, claiming (honestly) that I didn’t think I could commit to 30 days with my custody schedule being what it was. Next thing I knew, the “TIME TRIAL” options had been added, allowing more days off. So now I had to either do it or admit I’d been full of crap with my “I’d love to, but the kids…”

So I did. 30 minutes/day, 30 days. “B” Team. If it was snowing, I went out. If it was raining, I went out. If I had a long car trip, I put the folding bike in the trunk and stopped along the way to ride my 30 minutes, and when I got to my destination, I rode there too. But mostly I rode around my new town, aiming the wheel onto roads I hadn’t been on before. My Strava heatmap blossomed. When the challenge ended, I was riding again.

There are things about endurance cycling and novel writing that are the same, not least of which is this:

The truth is, you’re generally the only one who cares if you finish, except maybe your family, and mostly they just want you to be nicer to them.

That will be a blog entry for another time.

But fundamental to both is this: Put your ass in the right place, and keep it there. All things grow from there. (Not from your ass, wisenheimer—you know what I meant.)

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OK, SO WHERE’S THE FACEBOOK GROUP?

Right here. Feel free to talk about the challenge, post pictures of your desk, or…you know…whatever.

Facebook does not count as writing.

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WHO DO YOU EXPECT WILL DO THIS CHALLENGE?

Honestly? I have no idea.

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Some notes to myself, upon embarking on draft 2

THE PERSONAL

You can tell when it’s special and when it’s not.

You can tell when it’s right and when it’s not.

You know more about words than most readers. Use the right ones. They’ll get it. Eaters don’t need to be chefs. Chefs need to be chefs.

You’ve learned about structure from reading and thinking about mysteries. Use that.

But you’ve never actually cared who did it, and you’ve learned more about structure from jokes than from mysteries. Use that more.

You’ve never dreamed of being a financial star. Don’t start now. Be special, be right, be small.

THE MECHANICAL

Know what everyone’s doing, and where, and why, including the ones that aren’t in this scene.

Know why everyone says everything, including the narrator.

You found out what you were really getting at in draft 1 when you wrote its climax. Write draft 2 like it’s a joke: If you look at the plot backward, everything should hang from the punchline.

But since it’s a novel, what’s hanging on that nail should be a mobile.

If you’ve seen it before, cut it.

May Writing Challenge

Which was going to be called the Iron Writer Challenge
Because I ripped the idea off from my friend “Iron Rider”
But somebody’s already using that name,
So maybe a better name will come up,
But I’m posting it now anyway.

---

THE CHALLENGE:
In May, 2015, write for at least half an hour every single day.
Go for 60 if you’re feeling tough.
Yes, that’s it.

FOUR WAYS TO WIN

“A” TEAM: Write for 60 minutes a day
“B” TEAM: Write for 30 minutes a day

24-HOUR TIME TRIAL: 60 minutes a day for 24 days
12-HOUR TIME TRIAL: 30 minutes a day for 24 days

---

FAQ

WHAT COUNTS AS “WRITING?”

IF YOU WRITE AT A COMPUTER: “Writing” means you are physically present at a computer, with all Internet access turned off, and your word processor is the only app that’s open.

IF YOU WRITE ON A NOTEPAD OR TYPEWRITER: It’s in front of you, ready for writing, and your Internet access is turned off.

In writer talk: Your ass is in the chair.

• Staring at the screen counts as writing, as long as you do it for the appropriate amount of time, with a word processor (and nothing else) open.
• Going to the kitchen does not count toward writing time.
• Going to the bathroom does not count toward writing time.
• Talking on the phone does not count toward writing time.
• Looking at your phone does not count toward writing time.
• Playing games does not count toward writing time. Yes, even if it’s your PROCESS.
• RESEARCH DOES NOT COUNT. Research is not writing.
• Interruptions do not count toward writing time. That’s right, even though they weren’t your fault.

---

CAN I BREAK UP THE 30 OR 60 MINUTES?

YES. You may break it into 30-minute segments. Note that it’s not possible to break 30 minutes into more than one 30-minute segment.

---

CAN I MAKE UP TIME IF I MISS A DAY?

NO—with two loopholes:

• May has 31 days, and you only have to hit 30 of them to succeed at the challenge
• On May 30 AND ONLY ON MAY 30, you may “double up” to make up a missed session

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HOW DO I SIGN UP?

You don’t sign up. You show up.

---

DO I NEED TO DECLARE WHICH CHALLENGE I’M DOING UP FRONT?

NO. You know what the four ways to win are. Aim for one. I don’t need to know which. (Though you can feel free to say so, either here or on the Facebook Group.)

---

WHAT DO I GET IF I WIN?

Self-respect.

Also, there may be stickers.

---

WHY WOULD I BOTHER WITH THIS WHEN I CAN JUST SIT DOWN HALF AN HOUR A DAY AND WRITE BY MYSELF?

No clue. That’s your business.

---

WHAT DO I NEED TO PROVIDE AS PROOF?

Nothing. To quote the guy I ripped this off from: As is true for all worthwhile things, this is on the honor system.

---

YOU RIPPED THIS OFF? WHO’D YOU RIP IT OFF FROM?

Iron Rider, a fellow randonneur (look it up), proposed a 30-day cycling challenge in March: The “A” Team was challenged to ride 60 minutes/day, the “B” Team would ride 30, etc. It didn’t matter how fast, how much elevation gain, whether it was an official event or a grocery run, or even whether the bike had wheels. (Indoor exercise bikes were allowed.) The only thing that mattered was that your ass was in the saddle and your legs were pedaling.

I demurred, claiming (honestly) that I didn’t think I could commit to 30 days with my custody schedule being what it was. Next thing I knew, the “TIME TRIAL” options had been added, allowing more days off. So now I had to either do it or admit I’d been full of crap with my “I’d love to, but the kids…”

So I did. 30 minutes/day, 30 days. “B” Team. If it was snowing, I went out. If it was raining, I went out. If I had a long car trip, I put the folding bike in the trunk and stopped along the way to ride my 30 minutes, and when I got to my destination, I rode there too. But mostly I rode around my new town, aiming the wheel onto roads I hadn’t been on before. My Strava heatmap blossomed. When the challenge ended, I was riding again.

There are things about endurance cycling and novel writing that are the same, not least of which is this:

The truth is, you’re generally the only one who cares if you finish, except maybe your family, and mostly they just want you to be nicer to them.

That will be a blog entry for another time.

But fundamental to both is this: Put your ass in the right place, and keep it there. All things grow from there. (Not from your ass, wisenheimer—you know what I meant.)

---

OK, SO WHERE’S THE FACEBOOK GROUP?

Right here. Feel free to talk about the challenge, post pictures of your desk, or…you know…whatever.

Facebook does not count as writing.

---

WHO DO YOU EXPECT WILL DO THIS CHALLENGE?

Honestly? I have no idea.

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